5 things all pregnant people should think about before their baby arrives.
When having a browse on social media and seeing first time pregnant people prepare for the arrival of the baby – I am always struck by one thing… how much time is put into things like preparing the nursery, choosing a rocking chair, and folding up tiny little newborn outfits. Now don’t get me wrong – these are all lovely things to do, and I never get sick of seeing all the gorgeous ways people decorate their baby’s nursery. However, you might find that once your baby is here, you’ll look back at the things that you focussed on in pregnancy, and wonder why nobody told you to focus on.. well other things that also really matter!
I’m a firm believer in people living their lives their own way. And I don’t begrudge anyone spending a grand on a pram (I walked approximately a hundred miles a day while my baby napped so I’m grateful I went with a sturdy Bugaboo) but I just wish people knew… that there are other things to consider that may make a real difference in your postpartum journey.
So… here’s 5 things that I think every expectant parent should consider before their baby comes.
How you’re going to feed your baby
People often plan on breastfeeding their babies, and spend the duration of their pregnancy thinking about birth and writing a birth plan (which is fab, by the way). But they don’t necessarily realise that how they are going to feed that baby is a topic that really benefits from some learning, before the baby arrives.
Unfortunately it’s not always a case of – baby is born, gets put on their parent’s chest, latches, and hey presto all is done. There are lots of other factors which can get in the way, which ultimately end up derailing someone’s breastfeeding journey, and before they know it their baby is a few month’s old, entirely formula fed and parents are left wondering how the hell they got here.
There are cases of people who simply do not make as much milk as their baby needs, but this is a very very small percentage of the population. For the vast majority, exclusive breastfeeding is absolutely possible (even with twins), and the right support can help to achieve this, as can having some knowledge before the baby is born.
For example, I wish more new parents knew that immediate skin to skin after birth, and breastfeeding their baby within the first hour of birth, greatly increases the chance of still breastfeeding their baby at six months old. I wish people knew that it’s normal for your body to make tiny amounts of colostrum at first, and that this tiny amount is perfectly adequate for their baby as long as the baby is being fed often, responsively, and is latching effectively. I wish people knew that in hospital, midwives are often stretched so thin, that they don’t have the time to explain all the basics of breastfeeding, as well as watching all your feeds, in order to help and guide you to make it more comfortable. I wish people knew that you don’t have to pump breast milk, and buying a breast pump is not an essential part of their to do list. I wish people knew that breastfeeding is natural, yes, but it is a skill that both you and your baby have to learn. There are so many biologically normal things that our babies, and our bodies do which we have no idea about. Add to that the general mix of anxiety and hormones, and parents so often reach for the formula when they don’t want to, because they think that they are not enough for their baby.
This leads me on to my next point -
What normal newborn behaviour looks like
Babies often do not behave as we expect them to. And that’s because – much like with birth – our perception of normal is skewed by what we see in the media, or from the elders in our families who themselves suffered during raising their children, and hold unprocessed trauma from the experience.
It is really normal for babies to want to be held all the time, day and night. Newborn babies know nothing other than being in their mother’s womb, with the sound of her heartbeat, her constant moving, her warmth and her closeness. The world after birth is starkly different. It is bright, loud, cold and unfamiliar. This is why babies often cry when they are put down, and relax and sleep when they are held. To them, being in a cot makes them feel alone and vulnerable. It feels weird, it’s cold, they’ve never lain flat on their back. A person’s arms or chest is a different story. It’s warm there, and they are being cocooned by a living human which feels safe. Newborn babies often do not mind who is holding them, as long as it’s someone. And the period of their life where you can just hold them while they sleep for hours on end is very short. So when your baby is born, expect to do not very much apart from lounging around with a sleeping baby in your arms. You can watch TV, send voicenotes to your mates (babies love hearing your voice), and rest assured that your baby is perfectly happy where they are. You’re not setting them up for bad habits, you’re not failing them by not getting them into a routine, you’re not ruining your own life by not teaching your child that they can’t always be held. You’re just…holding your baby, which is exactly what they need.
There are lots of other things that newborns need, which can come as a surprise to parents. Frequent feeding, waking often at night – and these things all stem from the same biological urge your baby has to stay close to their parents, in order to survive. So try not to fight it, because fighting a biological instinct is very hard!
What practical things can you do now, to help you after birth
There are ways in which your pregnant self can greatly help your future freshly postpartum self. And they are not necessarily related to turning your spare bedroom into a nursery. Such as…
Batch cooking healthy, dense, nutrition-packed meals. Foods like soups and stews are perfect. You can batch cook large amounts, fit in loads of protein and vegetables into them, and they freeze perfectly. Eating warm, nourishing food is so important for postpartum recovery, and should absolutely be a priority. It will help you heal from the inside out and make you feel well and cared for. Food is love. Some people are even eschewing the classic baby shower ritual, and are bringing in their friends and family during pregnancy to batch cook together in the kitchen, and doing a little house sort out so their space feels calm and organised for when they baby arrives.
Learning about safe cosleeping. This is something I really recommend learning about in pregnancy, because it’s very likely that the first time you ever cosleep will be when you are already half asleep and not really thinking about it. Most parents don’t even consider cosleeping, and they assume it’s dangerous. But it’s only dangerous if guidelines are not followed. Babies should sleep in the same room as an adult all day and all night. So your baby will be sleeping in the same room as you for at least the first six months (12 months is even better). As per the point above about normal newborn behaviour, babies wake frequently at night to feed, and this is really important for their survival, and to protect them from SIDS (sudden infant death syndrome). If you are breastfeeding your baby, your breast milk (especially the milk you produce at night) contains hormones which help both your newborn and YOU fall asleep quickly. Therefore breastfeeding your baby in the middle of the night, and staying awake for the duration is really hard, and many people fall asleep while feeding. If you understand how to bedshare safely, and set up your sleep space so you and your baby can feed and sleep together safely, then there is no issue if you fall asleep. I recommend visiting the Lullaby Trust and BASIS website for all the up to date, research based guidance. And remember – parents and babies were designed to sleep together. Bedsharing rates in countries like India and Japan are incredibly high, and in those countries SIDS barely exists. The western world has been conned (by Capitalism and fat cats) into thinking that it’s unsafe to sleep with your baby, but the reality is that bedsharing (if done safely) protects breastfeeding, and helps parents and babies sleep much better.
What does your support system look like?
Having a baby is an excellent time to rope in ANY help that you can. Having a support system in place can be really beneficial in the first couple of months, when an extra pair of hands goes a long way. There are a few things to consider though.
You want to rope in support, but not from just anyone. In the first weeks after birth, you will still be healing physically (and bleeding for about six weeks, even after a caesarean birth), you’ll be learning to breastfeed, you may be anxious, you’ll very likely be tired, and your emotions will be up and down. So while support is really useful, you want it to be from people who will actually be helpful, rather than visitors who will expect you to make them lunch and listen to them rabbit on about their work day from hell.
Questions to ask yourself – are you able to comfortably breastfeed in front of them, even if it takes a long time and the baby is crying? Will they offer to help you in the house and fold up a load of clean laundry rather than expect you to make tea and biscuits for them? Are they someone who can be emotionally draining, and who might make you feel more depleted, rather than supported? Some friends and family members might expect to visit and meet the baby soon after birth, but try and limit those visits if they don’t fit your criteria of what it means to be supported, and instead arrange help from people who are actually… helpful.
Lots of visitors can make you feel more tired. It might bring more unwelcome advice and judgement. It could derail your breastfeeding journey. Whereas someone coming over to really support you can help your healing. You might feel better after a good cry as they listen and hold your hand. You might be able to have a long hot shower, knowing someone you trust is holding your precious baby. Only you know what you need.
New parents now are turning to postpartum doulas to support them, as the kind of communities we once lived in no longer exist. Postnatal doulas come with a variety of skill sets – from expert newborn care knowledge, to breastfeeding knowledge, to birth debriefing and supporting you as you transition to parenthood. If you live in London and would like to know more about my postnatatl doula services, let’s book in a chat.
What services are in your area?
The support you can get from your local area varies greatly depends on where you live. Most areas do have children’s centres or something similar, where you can access baby classes such as baby bonding or baby massage, and hopefully they will also offer you breastfeeding support. These breastfeeding drop ins usually happen in a community space, and they’re an amazing place to meet other parents, have a chat about how life with a newborn is going, and get support with your breastfeeding journey. Lots of parents visit these groups as a social drop in too. It’s always a good idea to get out the house once you’re out of the very immediate postpartum phase, and knowing you’re heading to a place where you can freely breastfeed and have a cuppa with a familiar face is really comforting. The people who run the sessions are always delighted to see you regularly and watch your baby – and your confidence – grow.
Most areas have a mix of paid and free classes, so have a look at what’s around. The nerves can be high when you go for the first time, but you’ll soon see that most people are having a similar experience to you. And when you’re a little way down your journey and meet the new mum who has a newborn baby, you’ll be the one giving her a comforting smile and asking her how she is, knowing that you know exactly how she feels. This is part of the community we all so desperately need.
Are you new here? Have a gander round my website to see what I offer. From postpartum doula services, to baby massage, and breastfeeding masterclasses – I’m here for all the expectant and new parents in West London!